Everyone knows how it is at the beginning of a relationship. The incredible surge of energy you send each others way!
When a relationship first begins you are each giving 100% of your energy to the other person. 100% of your energy surges with those first kisses, 100% of energy surges when you hear their voice on the answering machine, the butterflies start flying in your stomach as they are on their way to see you! The other person is all you think about and vice versa. It is one of the most incredible highs in the world and it feels like nothing can bring you down! Until one day something does.
You see, the problems begin when you get addicted to that initial energy. Because it feels so great in the beginning you want that feeling to go on forever. When it doesn‘t however, you start to feel as if someone let the air out of your balloon.
If you were able to look at the situation clearly (i.e., without emotion) you would be able to see that nobody can maintain that kind of energy flow forever.
Yes, while at the beginning of the relationship the relationship itself is getting 100% of each of your attention and energies, eventually “real life” has got to come back into the picture. Eventually problems at work are going to need both of your attentions as well. So will money matters, family matters, car repair matters, etc.
And this is where many of the problems begin.
Another pitfall that occurs due to this initial energy surge is you start to believe that your partner now somehow holds your future happiness in their hands. Seeing as they were the ones responsible for making you feel so good in the beginning, you now subconsciously or unconsciously believe it is their responsibility to continue to make you feel good in the future; and if for some reason you do not feel good, than it must somehow be their fault.
The following exercise is designed for anyone who is currently in a relationship that might be having problems or for anyone who might be looking to enter a new relationship. It is an exercise to help you regain your personal power and shows you how to make yourself feel better regardless of what is happening in your relationship.
Grab a piece of paper or open up a word document and write down an answer to the following questions. It is probably better to copy the questions and keep them in a word document so you can easily refer back to them during any weaker relationship moments.
1. Do I put the responsibility of my happiness or unhappiness in my partners hands?
2. When something goes wrong in my life or I am unhappy, do I go out of my way to blame the person I am with and somehow make it their fault?
3. Why have I given this person so much control over my happiness?
4. Do I see our relationship as two emotionally healthy people deciding to share our lives together or do I see this person as part of my own identity?
5. Do I try to make this person do anything they don’t want to do?
6. Do they try to make me do anything I don’t want to do?
7. Why do we do that?
8. Didn’t I have a life before they were in it?
9. Have I stopped doing anything I used to enjoy doing since I have been with this person?
10. Why have I allowed myself to do that?
11. Isn’t it possible that this person really does love me - but just doesn’t have the time or ability to see to 100% of all my needs all the time?
12. Do I really think it should be their responsibility to think about me and only me all of the time?
13. If I do…why do I think that?
14. Didn’t I come down to this planet to create the best life for my “self” that I can create?
15. Didn’t they come down to do the same?
16. Where did we get the idea that it is either of our responsibilities to make the other person happy?
17. Is it even possible to make someone else happy if deep down they are not?
18. Is there anything I can do to make myself feel better regardless of what they do or do not do?
19. If this person was not in my life right now, would I be doing anything different to make myself happy (other than dating other people of coarse)?
20. What about this relationship is keeping me from doing that now?
The point of this exercise is to remember that you are indeed your OWN person.
Only you have the ability to make yourself happy or unhappy. Only you have the ability to control how and what you think.
You came down to this Earth to create your own life experience. If you choose to include someone to enjoy that experience with you - great. But if suddenly the life
you are trying to create is dependent on what the other person says or does, than you have some tweaking to do.
It is simply a bad habit you have let yourself fall into if you let your happiness depend on another and it is simply time to reclaim your own happiness creating abilities.
So how do you do this?
The first thing to do is remember that believe it or not you DID used to have a life of your own before this person was in it. Now I don’t mean that in a negative way as if you should get rid of the person, but I mean it as a simple fact.
Yes there were actually times in your life that you laughed before they were there. There were times you felt good about yourself, felt confident, felt competent, felt happy.
Yes, once upon a time you did attend parties, celebrate holidays, have friends, worked at jobs and even ate meals before this person was in your life so you obviously do not need this person to survive or to make you happy.
The second thing to remember is that you have chosen this person to be in your life and they have done the same. It is not an obligation on either or your parts. Forget any ridiculous outside pressure that makes you feel you need to do or be a certain way in a relationship or that once in a relationship you are “too far in” to get out of it.
You came here to create the life you desire and other people have the same responsibility to create theirs. Not only are neither of you responsible for each others happiness, it is impossible to deliver it even if you wanted to. As you may have discovered, no matter what you can do for someone or what they do for you “it just never seems to be enough.” This is simply because you can’t find happiness outside of yourself. Only you can bring yourself complete fulfillment.
The last thing to remember is that if you have made the mistake of losing yourself in past relationships, your current one or are even thinking about entering a new one, you need to remember to keep your own identity. Remember what you want in life, what you enjoy doing, what your interests are.
If you find that you are losing yourself in the relationship, start reclaiming yourself by making a conscious effort to do things you enjoy doing -- and yes -- you can do them on your own if your partner is not interested. Go alone or call a friend. Actually doing things apart from each other is healthy. It helps you to maintain your own independence and identity and gives you interesting things to talk about.
Not to mention if the worst does happen and the relationship does end, you still have a life to go back to.
Relationships can be awesome. When you are with someone you can laugh and share with, someone you can respect and have fun with and yes someone you can depend on at times to help you get through some of the rougher spots in life.
As long as you don’t lose yourself along the way or forget who is really responsible for your happiness you can be together for many happy years to come.